so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
