I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
