I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
