I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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