Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
