Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
