Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
