Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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