I like to think it a success when the cops are called
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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