Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
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