We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
