Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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