Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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