I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
