Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
