Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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