Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
My bed is full of blood and feathers
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
