he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
