I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
