i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
