I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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