i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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