he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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