I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
