Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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