I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
