i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
