Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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