is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
