Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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