Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
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