They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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