but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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