I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
