She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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