I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
