i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
