guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Randomize
