omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
