..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
