I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Also, beer. Big fan.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
