I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
