Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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