i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
