Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Randomize
