yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
