He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I intend to get homeless drunk
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
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