First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
