Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
he fucked my hip out of place.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
