Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
